Well let open up the Ole Dusty clean joke book & take a look. Please tell why is it that every time you ask someone, how different kinds of wild game or meat from differents animals taste they say it tastes like chicken? But sometimes chicken don't taste like chicken. What's up with that????? Hey they have spell check in the Forum, glory be now us Rednecks don't worry about misspelling our words, well thank you kindly, G.G.E. As Elvis'd say Thank You Very Much!!!!!! I ate a pheasant today, and a dove, dove tastes like chicken, but the pheasant tasted like... rabbit.
I have a joke. your life
anyways, heres a riddle, what is a dragon, but does not breath fire? is hard, but does not have scales? pink 'stead of red?
That weird decoration thing, your welcome, and thank you all, thank you very much!
"My friend thinks he's smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face."
"Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, 'And what starting salary are you looking for?' The engineer replies, 'In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.' The interviewer inquires, 'Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years, say, a red Corvette?' The engineer sits up straight and says, 'Wow! Are you kidding?' The interviewer replies, 'Yeah, but you started it.'"
"What is always coming but never arrives?" is, "Tomorrow."
Just a few Clean jokes
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: I said who ever stands up is STUPID!
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: Johnny, do you really think that you are stupid?
Little Johnny: No Mrs, I just thought that maybe you are lonely being the only one standing.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus
The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge... Show him your badge!!"
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?" (Gilbert Gottfried)
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, "You can’t fire me. I quit." (Bill Maher)
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
Two snowmen are standing in a meadow. One snowman turns to the other and says, "Do you smell carrots?"
hope it brought a smile to your day
"ok sir i need you to remain calm" came the reply. "now before i tell you to do anything else, can you make sure he is dead?"
a few seconds later the operator hears several loud gunshots, and the guy comes back onto the line "ok, im sure he is dead, now what?"
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i was told by my teacher that studying is healthy, so i need to study more. i responded and said "well, shouldnt i leave studying for the sick people then? they need it more then me"
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a little boy is sitting in class one day crying. the teacher comes up to him.
"whats wrong lil timmy?"
"its my grandpa" he replies between sobs.
"well if it makes you feel better, im sure he is in a better place now" the teacher said, trying to console him.
"you mean..." timmy said "that jail is a better place?"
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here is what is wrong with america. we used to have johnny cash, bob hope, and steve jobs. here we are now in 2015 with no hope, no cash, and no jobs.
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heres to the 1% who would scream " Do a back flip Justin!"
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A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She Replied "He sure is"
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"
Well, this isn't really a joke, I guess, but here goes...
One day my buddies and I were driving around on the back roads, drinking beer and having a fairly decent time. Everything was going great 'till my truck suddenly died. I thought "What the hell...?" but when I looked at the dashboard and saw the temp gauge pegged in the red, I knew we were in trouble. We were all pretty sauced by then and we were way in the middle of nowhere, so we just set down on the tailgate and kept right on drinking, hoping the truck would cool down after a while and we could get back on the road. After a while I got to looking out across the fields and I saw an old well there, maybe 100 yards on the other side of the fence next to the ruins of an old barn. My buddies and I deemed this worthy of investigation, being as the truck could use a little water and all, and so we went in for a little look-see. Well, we got to the well, a really old-timey clay brick affair, and looked down. We may as well have been staring down from the event horizon, 'cause I for one couldn't see squat. My buddy Terry had an idea, and I guess we must've been drunk since we listened to him, being as it's a well known fact that he doesn't know rat-poop from Rice Crispies...but it sounded legitimate enough. We'd toss something down the well and see if we could hear a splash. Simple, right? Well, I grabbed a fist-sized rock and tossed it down and we all listened for what seemed like an eternity...........nothin'.
"Well.." says Terry..."Let's try something bigger." Okay. Been listening to Terry for a whole ten minutes now and ain't dead yet, so what the hell, I says...and we find a pretty good sized cinder block and toss it on down....and listen.....and listen.....nothin'...
So by this time I'm thinkin' that this hole goes all the way to China and we're probably screwing up some poor guy's plumbing, but Terry (maybe a little overzealous in his new role as idea man) says Bobby and me were talking too much and that's why we couldn't hear the rocks hit the water. Well, me and Bobby do like to talk a bit so we were moved by shame to listen to Terry yet again when he gestured triumphantly at a fairly large motor that had belonged to some long gone piece of equipment straight out of yesteryear. The ground had nearly swallowed it, but with some sticks and some sweating, we got it freed from the earth. Heaving it between us we felt like Atlas carrying the earth, but we managed to get it to the well, and toss it in.
And we listened...
And HEARD a loud braying...and the pounding of hooves and we turned from the well to see a large goat charging at us, his eyes wide and his mouth a hideous gape, foaming and shrieking and coming for us...and it LEAPED over us, still braying like mad, straight down the well, where all was silent.
We were all silent for a moment. No one spoke, no one glanced at the other...for we felt certain that we had seen the satanic take place before our very eyes...but suddenly the silence was broken. In our stupor, we had failed to notice an old man in an equally old pickup enter this bizarre scene.
"Well what in the world's wrong with you boys, huh?" The oldster asked, "Y' look like you've seen a ghost.." We told him, then, about the crazed goat who had charged us and leapt to it's own death at the bottom of the well..
The old man took off his hat and scratched his bald head.
"Well, couldn't have been my goat.." Said the old man.." He was tied to a motor. "
Lil boy singing MC Hammer's Can't Touch This, was carrying a mean old cat by the tail swinging the cat around his head. An old seen this & told the young man don't hurt the cat like that. So the young man threw the cat at the old man. The old catches the cat, & the cat attacks him biting & clawing like crazy. The old man
looks at the young man . Why did you do that he asks? The young man says I told you dude You Can"t Touch!!!!! THIS!!!!!
Lucy raises her hand and Mr. Clinton calls on her: "A tragedy would be if two cars crashed and everyone died."
Mr. Clinton responds: "No, that would be considered an accident."
John raises his hand: "A tragedy would be if a bus full of children sank into a river and everyone drowned."
Mr. Clinton says: "No, that would be considered a great loss."
The room is silent while the class is trying to provide an example of the word Tragedy.
Then Jake raises his hand, is called on, and he says: "A tragedy would be if you and Mrs. Clinton were flying a jet in the Air Force and were shot down in battle."
"Mr. Clinton praises him saying: "Yes, that would be a tragedy, how did you figure it out?"
And Jake responds saying: "Because it wouldn't be accidental and it wouldn't be a great loss!"
DISCLAIMER: NOTHING SAID IN THIS JOKE IS ACTUALLY MY OPINION, SO DON'T COME SCREAMING AT ME ABOUT POLITICAL DEBATES AND OTHER SUCH TOPICS.
1. If it smells like tuna should of been there sooner.
2. if it smells like bass F*k her in the as*
3. If it smells like trout get the F_k out.
3 gay men were sitting in a hot tub, when a condom floats up. 1 guy says to the others "who farted".
How do u get more seats at a gay bar? "turn a bar stool upside down for 4 more."