Forum: empire-en

Board: [942] US Migration Content - Community

Topic: [292249] ~Empire Legends ~ Inception~

[4273732] Luxtena (US1) [None] :: Jan. 30, 2016, 12:23 a.m.

No it's fine, there are mistakes quite often, and things that don't make sense, but it is good.

[4273757] Luxtena (US1) [None] :: Jan. 30, 2016, 12:42 a.m.

          
(7/10 stars)

[4273832] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Jan. 30, 2016, 2:30 a.m.

I'm revising it, I'm not a perfect speller, so there are still going to be spelling mistakes, and I am revising the plot points, though it would help of you gave me a list of all the things I did wrong.

[4273836] Luxtena (US1) [None] :: Jan. 30, 2016, 2:33 a.m.

If you do without flaw, then:
           

[4273842] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Jan. 30, 2016, 2:38 a.m.

Why 9/10 if it is flawless?

[4274448] Luxtena (US1) [None] :: Jan. 30, 2016, 6:11 p.m.

I mean if you do what you say you'll do, without flaw, then 9/10.

[4274450] Luxtena (US1) [None] :: Jan. 30, 2016, 6:13 p.m.

Nothing is 10/10 except for Shakespeare, Treasure Island, Empire Strikes Back, and a few other classics.

[4274453] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Jan. 30, 2016, 6:13 p.m.

Fair enough.

[4305068] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Feb. 21, 2016, 12:11 a.m.

Any other reviews?

[4305078] LightSwayer (US1) [None] :: Feb. 21, 2016, 12:19 a.m.

[4305080] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Feb. 21, 2016, 12:22 a.m.

Thanks Lighswayer! Is there anything I could have done better, or improved? I know 10/10 means perfect, but there must have been something worth improving.

[4305138] LightSwayer (US1) [None] :: Feb. 21, 2016, 3 a.m.

Not Sure, 10/10 like I said. What do u think you should change?

[4305140] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Feb. 21, 2016, 3:03 a.m.

I'm thinking I might revise my battle writing.

[4305141] LightSwayer (US1) [None] :: Feb. 21, 2016, 3:09 a.m.

Okay then do that, Also GL!!

[4305166] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Feb. 21, 2016, 4:20 a.m.

Thanks!

[4310607] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Feb. 24, 2016, 6:56 a.m.

What words or phrases would you use to describe the story?

[4310770] Pineapple Joe (US1) [None] :: Feb. 24, 2016, 9:08 a.m.

A couple of things to consider:

1) Drop the exclamation points. They are disruptive to the reader and are a juvenile tactic for telling the reader how to interpret your words, rather than showing them with your dialogue.

2) Indentation is not just a good idea. Your paragraphs must be indented, and remember to offset your dialogue in new paragraphs, not inline with your narrative. It is very hard to read, otherwise. Check a style guide.

A final comment that you may wish to consider. Instead of telling the reader what one of your characters is thinking, look for opportunities to show us. Have the character speak in a way that conveys what you want us to believe he is thinking. In real life, people cannot read minds... and in a 3rd-person narrative you need to avoid giving us these god-like powers.

[4312507] Luxtena (US1) [None] :: Feb. 24, 2016, 2:25 p.m.

Are you an author?

[4312618] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: Feb. 24, 2016, 2:37 p.m.

Thanks Joe, 

In the case of the indentation, for some absurd reason, my computer isn't letting me indent my paragraphs, i understand the importance of indentation, and, would really like to figure out how fix the "whatever the issue is", unfortunately, I'm not a technician. 

As for the exclamation points, I use them for three reasons in this story specifically, 
1: I didn't know that they were a bad idea.
2: I am not actually an experienced writer, this is my third story, one of the others is not even completely my own, and that would be "The Knight's Adventure" which I commented on for a long time before the story ended, and another that is basically just a way to get the creative juices flowing, which I keep in google docs.
3: I would consider not fixing it in order to remind the reader that the man character is, after all, still a juvenile himself, but if that isn't a good idea, then I would stop.

Also, which exclamation points are you referring to, the exclamation points in the dialogue, or out?

Final Comment:
As I have practically made you my editor now, and because I'm not an experienced writer, and I am blonde, I will ask this probably stupid question:
Should I go back and edit all of my previous chapters to this method, or simply incorporate it in the future? If I go with the first, I would have to edit 22 chapters, and 1 prologue, which would take a long time, though the benefits would certainly be worthwhile.

[4329297] Noble Leone (ASIA1) [None] :: March 6, 2016, 7 a.m.

Alright, I edited the prologue and chapters 1-7, added some new details as well, they might end up playing key rolls further into the story, just a heads up there!

Thanks Joe for the recommendations, they were really helpful!