Forum: empire-en
Board: [586] Off Topic
Topic: [75789] story
[1375006]
NewHej [None]
:: Aug. 12, 2012, 10 p.m.
nice, shall be fun to read:)
[1375018]
huzaifa memon (INT1) [None]
:: Aug. 12, 2012, 10:16 p.m.
this story is awsome!
[1375228]
king matt III [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 9:30 a.m.
the main story idea has potntial but you are moving from one thing to another with minimual description.So here is my constructice criticism (which i wish people would give to me as much as they do to you): read some of my and king doom's work. in my "storytime" thread check chapter 1:section 2 where i provide some description to try and connect the reader with the surroundings kenny wakes up to (not saying by any means i am a writer, just trying to help) and read any of king doom's stuff it full of details everywhere, making it a great story you get involved in, like you are there.
[1375230]
SvetovnaSila [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 9:35 a.m.
we want part 5!
[1375240]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 9:56 a.m.
ok
chapter 5
"you see jimmy, sadly i knew deep in my heart this terrible day would come.. so me and my son richard made 4 super human suits out of scraps and pieces of metal and rubber however we only gavered 3 people so we need you to wear the last...."
"what! really thats so cool!"
"no it isnt jimmy they slaughtered my wife before me? we need to stop them before they kill more. i fear they will attack london tonight... ok we are here you ready?"
nathan opened the door. but to jimmys suprise it wasnt a dingy basement it was a large room with metal walls and floors, and a large lab. there before jimmy sat 4 people.
"this is the team, hayley,sarah,ryan and my son richard. Guys this is jimmy a new part of the team you need to train with him until the time is right and everyone is ready. jimmy this is yours"
jimmy stared in amazment at his suit......
chapter 5
"you see jimmy, sadly i knew deep in my heart this terrible day would come.. so me and my son richard made 4 super human suits out of scraps and pieces of metal and rubber however we only gavered 3 people so we need you to wear the last...."
"what! really thats so cool!"
"no it isnt jimmy they slaughtered my wife before me? we need to stop them before they kill more. i fear they will attack london tonight... ok we are here you ready?"
nathan opened the door. but to jimmys suprise it wasnt a dingy basement it was a large room with metal walls and floors, and a large lab. there before jimmy sat 4 people.
"this is the team, hayley,sarah,ryan and my son richard. Guys this is jimmy a new part of the team you need to train with him until the time is right and everyone is ready. jimmy this is yours"
jimmy stared in amazment at his suit......
[1375245]
SvetovnaSila [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 10:04 a.m.
nice, but I have to wait till tomorrow for next part 
[1375249]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 10:11 a.m.
do you like it that much xxx
now im gunna do a big chunk xx
now im gunna do a big chunk xx
[1375357]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 4:54 p.m.
chapter 6 first mission
jimmy put on the suit it was tight and heavy but he got used to it. Jimmy was suprised to hear he was already about to go on his first mission...
"now, me and richard are going to stay here and design some new weapons, hayley sarah ryan take jimmy with you ok? he has some experience. i need you to take the range rover fill it up with gas and head down to cali ok? they have a new gadget for us so we can track down the ship and they also have the new cannon 900... which could destroy anything in exchange give them this"
nathan handed sarah a large diamond.
"ill be careful with it sir" said sarah
"good good" replied nathan "of you go....."
"yes sir" shouted ryan,sarah and hayley.
since sarah and ryan sat in the front of range rover, jimmy was stuck in the back with hayley which to him wasnt to bad, she was a very pretty girl with big brown eyes, light brown hair and very tall. jimmy stared out the window in amazment at the ruins. he was hot and sweaty in his suit, so he became very uncomfortable.
"tell me jimmy, where are you from? asked hayley, who actualy seemed like she wanted to know.
"new york i guess...."
"what do you mean?"
"sir said hes suffering from amnesia hayley, he cant remember!" interupted ryan rudely
"ok ok shesh..."
" i do remember some things, like my mothers name is jessica... um... my dogs name was monty... stuff like that..."
"oh ok... cool i guess"
a 3 hour drive later they arived at california science base.
"ah hello" said a women in a lab coat "you must be the NY team, im janet smiths im the designer here and you are?"
"sarah jones"
"hayley simons"
"ryan winwright"
"um... jimmy carter...."
"well come this way guys"
they followed janet in to the lab were she handed the cannon 900 blue print and the tracker. then sarah handed her the diamond.
"go quick im picking up readings in this area"
they ran outside and there they were.... creatures 10 feet tall.....
"RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!" screamed sarah.
they all started to run put hayley tripped over....
"jimmy help" she screamed
the other 2 ran on but jimmy went back and got hayley but they ended up surrounded.....
jimmy put on the suit it was tight and heavy but he got used to it. Jimmy was suprised to hear he was already about to go on his first mission...
"now, me and richard are going to stay here and design some new weapons, hayley sarah ryan take jimmy with you ok? he has some experience. i need you to take the range rover fill it up with gas and head down to cali ok? they have a new gadget for us so we can track down the ship and they also have the new cannon 900... which could destroy anything in exchange give them this"
nathan handed sarah a large diamond.
"ill be careful with it sir" said sarah
"good good" replied nathan "of you go....."
"yes sir" shouted ryan,sarah and hayley.
since sarah and ryan sat in the front of range rover, jimmy was stuck in the back with hayley which to him wasnt to bad, she was a very pretty girl with big brown eyes, light brown hair and very tall. jimmy stared out the window in amazment at the ruins. he was hot and sweaty in his suit, so he became very uncomfortable.
"tell me jimmy, where are you from? asked hayley, who actualy seemed like she wanted to know.
"new york i guess...."
"what do you mean?"
"sir said hes suffering from amnesia hayley, he cant remember!" interupted ryan rudely
"ok ok shesh..."
" i do remember some things, like my mothers name is jessica... um... my dogs name was monty... stuff like that..."
"oh ok... cool i guess"
a 3 hour drive later they arived at california science base.
"ah hello" said a women in a lab coat "you must be the NY team, im janet smiths im the designer here and you are?"
"sarah jones"
"hayley simons"
"ryan winwright"
"um... jimmy carter...."
"well come this way guys"
they followed janet in to the lab were she handed the cannon 900 blue print and the tracker. then sarah handed her the diamond.
"go quick im picking up readings in this area"
they ran outside and there they were.... creatures 10 feet tall.....
"RUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!" screamed sarah.
they all started to run put hayley tripped over....
"jimmy help" she screamed
the other 2 ran on but jimmy went back and got hayley but they ended up surrounded.....
[1375376]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 6:18 p.m.
chapter 7
hayley colapsed onto the floor, jimmy grabbed her and picked up a pipe.
"im warning you large sqishing things im not afraid to use it"
they started mummbling all types of mumbo jumbo, however jimmy remembered the invisible suit gadget attatched to his nanosuit .he pressed it once and became... invisible! the aliiens became confused and scattered around the area. he ran aproxamately 2 miles with hayley on his shoulders until he found a car with a full tank of gas .he broke inside and opened the door.
"right wheres the nearest hospital... OH texas...."
so he drove 2 hours to texas which had not been attacked yet and went inside the hospital.
"excuse me i need urgent help for my friend here, i think she has a concusion...."
"well lets get her to a room ASAP people!" shouted a doctor.
they took hayley on a bed upstairs to the top floor.
"you dont need to explain boy" said the doctor "we know who you are! we can just tell by your nanosuit! and yes your friend has a terrible concusion"
"well then i shall wait till she wakes and then leave.."
3 hours later hayley woke.
"where am i... jimmy?"
"yes hayley its me, you hit your head are you ok?"
"i feel better.."
"well good i need to go and help the others"
"good luck i guess this is good bye, just come hear for a second"
he leant over and she kissed him on the check and whispered in his ear.
"thank you and go kick some alein ass!" xx
hayley colapsed onto the floor, jimmy grabbed her and picked up a pipe.
"im warning you large sqishing things im not afraid to use it"
they started mummbling all types of mumbo jumbo, however jimmy remembered the invisible suit gadget attatched to his nanosuit .he pressed it once and became... invisible! the aliiens became confused and scattered around the area. he ran aproxamately 2 miles with hayley on his shoulders until he found a car with a full tank of gas .he broke inside and opened the door.
"right wheres the nearest hospital... OH texas...."
so he drove 2 hours to texas which had not been attacked yet and went inside the hospital.
"excuse me i need urgent help for my friend here, i think she has a concusion...."
"well lets get her to a room ASAP people!" shouted a doctor.
they took hayley on a bed upstairs to the top floor.
"you dont need to explain boy" said the doctor "we know who you are! we can just tell by your nanosuit! and yes your friend has a terrible concusion"
"well then i shall wait till she wakes and then leave.."
3 hours later hayley woke.
"where am i... jimmy?"
"yes hayley its me, you hit your head are you ok?"
"i feel better.."
"well good i need to go and help the others"
"good luck i guess this is good bye, just come hear for a second"
he leant over and she kissed him on the check and whispered in his ear.
"thank you and go kick some alein ass!" xx
[1375378]
~Farsight~ [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 6:19 p.m.
thats good
[1375379]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 6:19 p.m.
[1375430]
huzaifa memon (INT1) [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 7:35 p.m.
Its good.... Can i be in it!! like the aliens leader or soemthing???
[1375432]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 7:37 p.m.
huzaifa memon wrote: »Its good.... Can i be in it!! like the aliens leader or soemthing???
well ill make you in there some where! whats you real name xx
[1375457]
huzaifa memon (INT1) [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 8:21 p.m.
its BOB! im just joking its Huzaifa i thought it was pretty obvious? but yeah and nahh i dont wanna be in the story cuz like i just realised if im evil then i will get killed so hell no i dont wanna be in the story
[1375458]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 13, 2012, 8:28 p.m.
you can be good xxx
ill do 8 tomorrow xxx
ok guys 8 is coming now, we are nearly there...! xx
ill do 8 tomorrow xxx
ok guys 8 is coming now, we are nearly there...! xx
[1375653]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 14, 2012, 12:13 p.m.
chapter 8
jimmy got back in the car and drove for 5 hours back to NY, when he arrived back at base he found sarahs coat outside so he knew they were here, he went down to the basement and found something terrible.. richards dead body and sarah and ryan tied up.
"jimmy jimmy are you ok help please" bellowed sarah
he untied them and picked them up.
"wheres hayley"
"shes in hospital, what happened here?"
"its nathan hes working with the hybrids (aliens)" replied ryan.
"we refused to help so he tied ryan and i up and killed richard" sarah sobbed
"we have to plan something, guys??"
"jimmys right we have the tracker but what are we going to"
they stood and thought for a while.
"ive got it! the hybrids are kept alive by a core if we can rip out the core we can destroy them all before they attack london in aproxamately 10 days"
"good idea sarah, lets get to work!"
jimmy got back in the car and drove for 5 hours back to NY, when he arrived back at base he found sarahs coat outside so he knew they were here, he went down to the basement and found something terrible.. richards dead body and sarah and ryan tied up.
"jimmy jimmy are you ok help please" bellowed sarah
he untied them and picked them up.
"wheres hayley"
"shes in hospital, what happened here?"
"its nathan hes working with the hybrids (aliens)" replied ryan.
"we refused to help so he tied ryan and i up and killed richard" sarah sobbed
"we have to plan something, guys??"
"jimmys right we have the tracker but what are we going to"
they stood and thought for a while.
"ive got it! the hybrids are kept alive by a core if we can rip out the core we can destroy them all before they attack london in aproxamately 10 days"
"good idea sarah, lets get to work!"
[1375655]
SvetovnaSila [None]
:: Aug. 14, 2012, 12:27 p.m.
great.............:)
[1375658]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 14, 2012, 12:38 p.m.
[1375663]
SvetovnaSila [None]
:: Aug. 14, 2012, 12:51 p.m.
always:D more and more and more 
:D
:D [1375666]
pink spartan900 [None]
:: Aug. 14, 2012, 1:19 p.m.
well as you can see the story is nearly ending! xxx